


Save all the jokes you're gonna make, while I see how much drink I can take, then be my mistake

by Kon_is_here



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2022 Era (Phandom), Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Writing, Cheating, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Marriage, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 12:07:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17022327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kon_is_here/pseuds/Kon_is_here
Summary: The wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of someone's life.But for Dan, it was only the start of the downfall.





	Save all the jokes you're gonna make, while I see how much drink I can take, then be my mistake

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! This is the first fan fiction I have ever written in English so I am deeply sorry for any mistakes I've made and will make. Hope you can enjoy it anyway! Please, feel free to leave any constructive criticism or just tell me what you think! It would made me so happy.
> 
> Thanks for clicking on my story! Hope it isn't a waste of time for you.
> 
> (I swear I write better in my mother language smh)
> 
> Disclaimer: this is a work of fantasy. It's not my intention to assume Dan and Phil's sexualities or if they are/were in a relationship. This is just for fun.
> 
> The title is from the song "Be my mistake" by The 1975.

Dan has been dreaming about this day for the past 13 years.

His black suit embraced his body like it was made just for him, his light-blue tie-the only item of color in his outfit- rested on his Sant Laurent black shirt perfectly. His curls were styled on his forehead and he putted one rebel curl back in place while turning towards the man beside him.

Phil was beyond beautiful. His raven black hair were up in a quiff, without a single hair out of place. He was wearing a black suit too, with a black tie as well, but his shirt was a deep blue, like the ocean during a storm; it made his eyes look much more brighter. He was smiling so much Dan feared his cheeks were going to disappear into his hairline.

Phil was the reincarnation of everything happy in this messed up world and Dan, for the first time in years, felt like the _luckiest_ bastard alive.

He couldn't believe this was really happening to him. It all felt surreal, as if he was in a bubble while the rest of the world kept on moving without him. Everything was too fast and Dan was lost and anxious and slightly frightened util-

Phil turned his head to face him. The light of pure joy in his eyes made Dan's chest warm, the typical feeling of safety he has always gotten with the other man taking all over him. His heart was beating with such intensity that he could swear the priest in front of them gave him a concerned look, but maybe Dan was just going insane.

He smiled back at Phil because he couldn't do otherwise, he couldn't help but smile with the other man, his best friend, his soulmate, _the love of his life._

The priest kept on talking about God and other strange stuff but Dan was barely listening, all his attention captured by the way Phil leaned over to whisper something in his ear. The whole world stopped the minute Phil's breath hit his neck, the scent he was wearing filling his senses, his voice made of sunsets on the beach and a hot fireplace sending shivers down his spine.

It's incredible how one single second is enough time to ruin someone's life.

"Thanks for being my best man."

_Wake up, Dan._

Phil leaned back and Dan looked over him.

_The dream is over._

The world started moving too fast again.

_Time to face reality._

The woman at the right side of Phil was stunning. She was wearing a beautiful white dress with flowery patterns on it, her golden hair was surrounded by a lace veil. Her pale skin was glowing in the light, blue eyes filled with happy tears that she was trying so hard to wipe off.

She looked like an actual angel.

Dan regretted not taking his stock of whisky with him.

He felt sick. He felt sick standing here. He felt sick looking at her. He felt sick looking at her _looking_ at Phil. He felt even sicker when Phil smiled softly and wiped off her tears with his thumb. He felt so sick that he thought he was about to throw up on the altar.

Life isn't fair.

"It's time! It's time! Oh my god, I'm gonna cry, my baby has grown up so much.", a loud whisper followed by a sob came from behind and after a moment, Dan recognized Phil's mum voice.

_Time for what, exactly?_

He didn't have to wait to find an answer.

"And now, your vows.", the priest said and Dan was suddenly made of broken glass.

_For fuck's sake let this be an horrible nightmare so I can wake up next to Phil and forget about everything and let him cuddle me until I stop shaking and kiss him on the lips like I used to do when we were much younger and dumb and stupidly mad for each other-_

"Philip Michael Lester, do you take Katie Wright to be your wedded wife, to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her, for as long as you both shall live?"

_Please please plase Phil turn over and look at me in the eyes and say that this is just a bad joke gone too far and you don't really want her and take my hand and let's run away from here and never look back and then kiss me hard like you used to do when we were much younger and dumb and so fucking in love-_

"I do."

Can two mere words make an heart stop beating?

"Katie Wright, do you take Philip Michael Lester to be your wedded husband to live together in marriage? Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health and forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as you both shall live?"

_Please Phil don't let this happen look at me and whisper that you don't need anything more than us together like you used to do when we were much younger and dumb and each other's world-_

"I do! Oh, if I do!"

Words can kill better than bullets.

_So, this is how stars must feel when they die._

An explosion.

All the energy dispersed in the infinite, cold, frightening universe.

A last moment of pure and magnificent light.

And then, darkness.

Nothingness.

_Oh, stars are much more beautiful when they cease to exist._

_~~~_

Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is one of the worst feelings in the world. It's comparable to a constant grip clenched to your heart that tightens when you see the only person you want by your side but that you

will never have.

Being in love with someone who loves someone else, is even worse. The grip becomes incandescent and it burns your chest till there's nothing but ashes.

But being in love with someone who once loved you back and now is looking at someone else like they are their entire world is pure _agony_.

Dan wished the knot in his throat could've been enough to kill him.

Phil was radiant. All giggles and wide smiles and the wrinkles at the side of his eyes never looked so deep. He talked with all his body; hands moving around so widely that he almost hit Katie in the face. She laughed, as cheerful as the man beside her, scolding him to just shut up and eat, the beautiful smile that made her face look like a piece of art in a museum never leaving her traits.

_How long can a nightmare last?_

The spouses and their guests were all in a lovely restaurant- for the dinner after the ceremony- down the same road as the church. It was huge, with round tables all across the room, heavily decorated with white cloths, flowers of all colors and candles. The floor was made of resistant wood and the side walls were basically two enormous windows- just as Phil liked it-. Trough them it was possible to see a garden with every type of plant. At the end of the room there was a stage where a band formed by two violins, one viola and one cello was playing perfectly, donating a nice background to the scene.

Everybody was eating and having fun, like it should be on a day like this.

Dan didn't even remember how he came here.

He vaguely recalled two shiny rings that made his eyes sting, a quick kiss and a loud applause, the light of the sun embracing him and tiny white spots falling from the sky. He remembered his body made of rain and thunders moving along with the mass of people and his legs dragging him to the restaurant and his cold and shaky arms hugging him tight while he cried in the bathroom like the pathetic waste of oxygen he was. He remembered the blur in his vision and the wet on his cheeks and the hole in his chest and his soul asking over and over again _why why why this happened_ and his mind answering that _it was all his faul_ t. He remembered the fake smile he gave everyone when he came back in the room, wiping off the last tears that rested on his eyelashes. Louise gave him a side look and he knew that she knew; he was an open book for her. She didn't say anything but it was obvious that soon or later they would have to talk. He remembered sitting beside Phil on the main table, who gave him a concerned look, inquiring him if he was okay at all.

"Yeah, don't worry.", he had said, with a voice made of broken hopes and earthquakes.

_I just want this to be over before I become insane._

After smiling at him, Phil had quckly forgotten about his presence, concentrating all of his attention on the woman he was going to spend the rest of his days with.

Dan tried to ignore the way his chest ached.

_Please Phil look at me one last time and tell me if all the things you said under the covers of your old bed were actually lies and that you didn't really mean it when said you didn't need anything more than this when we were much younger and dumb and everything for each other-_

"Everyone! Everyone, please, listen!", a prominent voice took the attention of all the people that were chatting vividly, their voices slowly quieting down.

Dan looked up from the plate he has been staring at for the past 30 minutes and when he saw who that voice came from across the room, his eyes widened in surprise.

"Hello, I'm Chris. Most of you know this already because, well, I once was a famous internet star", he said with a smug grin, gaining some chuckles, "But we aren't here to talk about me. Unfortunately, if I am allowed to add." PJ, sat at his right, gave him a nudge in the ribs, prompting him to move on with his so-called speech.

"Ohw, okay, okay. Sorry. Anyway, as I was saying before being rudely interrupted, this day is all about happiness. This day is about the union of two souls in love. This day is about one of the most incredible, kind, caring and generally amazing person I have the pleasure to know. Oh, yes, there's Phil too", everybody laughed at that and even Dan, who wanted to just go home and never see the outside again, smiled a little. Phil fondly shaked his head, sticking his tongue out at the other man as if he was a child and not 35 years old.

"I would love to continue this emotional discourse but I know that someone much more important than me has a lot more to say and I assure you, he will make you cry like the last episode of your favourite soap opera did. Please, take the lead, Mr. Howell." Chris termined with a little bow, sitting down again.

Dan wondered if life was a bitch to everyone.

All eyes were on him and suddenly, the man was drowning. Salt, cold water filled his lugs and he gasped for air, for oxygen, _for some kind of relief._

He couldn't breath. He couldn't think.

_Wasn't that what you wanted?_

A hand on his shoulder. Soft, caring, warm.

The surface was near.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. For me, is enough that you are here."

Phil's voice tasted like cherry and melancholy.

Eyes, eyes, eyes. Eyes on him, eyes buried in his soul, eyes buried in his mind.

The surface started to fade away again.

Dan stood up before he could realize it. The chair behind him made a loud noise and some people startled slightly.

His mouth opened, but only water came out; long waves crushed in the room and in no time, everyone was drowning with him.

He couldn't breath. He couldn't think.

_It's only in your head._

He couldn't live.

_Just say your damn speech._

He didn't remember a single word of it.

_What a disappointing you are. But, are we really surprised? You have a talend to mess things up._

He looked at Phil and Phil looked back and all Dan was able to think of was-

_I want you so bad that sometimes I wonder how I could possibly survive knowing that you don't want me back._

Everything was silent. Nobody dared say anything, nobody dared even breath.

_I miss you so much that sometimes I wonder how I could possibly move on._

The blue in Phil's eyes resembled the water that was filling the room.

_I love you so much that sometimes I wonder how I could possibly live without you._

Phil smiled, encouraging him. The water in his lugs became incandescent lava.

"I- I can't. I'm sorry."

_Run, run away; run before you cry in front of everyone and make a fool of yourself._

His legs started to hurt.

_You are nothing more than a coward._

Everything was on fire.

_It's all your fault._

The blood under his skin was fire.

_You don't deserve anything._

Salt in his eyes. Waterfalls on his cheeks. Cold on hot. Hot on cold.

_You don't deserve him._

The pain he felt in his knees when he fell on the ground was nothing compared to the _wearing_ pain in his chest. 

He laid on the soft grass. He was in the garden of the restaurant, then. He flipped over, so he was looking at the sky that, being winter, was already dark. He didn't even think about his expansive suit or the low temperature that was freezing his bones. 

Trough his blurred vision, he just saw a bunch of indistinct lights. He wiped off his puffy eyes while a sob escaped from his tight throat. He looked at the sky again.

The pain in his core suddenly stopped. Now, all he could feel was

Numb. Nothingness. Emptiness.

_Most of the stars we see in the sky are actually dead, but we are so far away from them that we see the last wave of energy they have released before disappearing forever. Even after knowing this, we can't help but stare at them with fascinated eyes, wondering how something can be this utterly and inexplicably beautiful._

He smiled, tears still rolling down.

He was finally drowned.

_Dan didn't mind dying if it could be so breathtaking._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! I dearly hope you liked it and you will stick around for more! I honestly don't know how much chapters I'll make, maybe three or four more? We'll see.
> 
> A special thanks to my friend Nicole who helped me by correcting my horrible grammar. I own you my life xx
> 
> If you feel like it, maybe follow me on tumblr? It's a new blog where I post random shit lmao but I'd love to talk to you here! @yourlocaldanandphiltrash
> 
> P.s. yes, this story take place in 2022 because I like to make y'all suffer
> 
> -Kon


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